Lifeguard Chair 3
by Autumnmist
Summary: WIKTT Beach Challenge Entry. Autumnmist's insensible, completely OOC entry to her own challenge. (Rated PG-13 for some horny thoughts and vulgarity)
1. Mr. Dark and Sexy

Lifeguard Chair 3  
By Autumnmist

Hermione Granger crossed her tanned, perfectly smooth legs. And uncrossed them. And crossed them again. Her hair glinted gold-red in the sun. _Oh fun, yet another day in the sun watching stupid kids and their stupid parents bob up and down in the surf - looking like they are..oh shit, horny girl, stop that train of thought NOW._

Her walkie-talkie chirped at her. "Yes?" 

"Granger check out the new guy on chair 3," Susie whispered. 

"Another one? What happened, Danny got too much sun?" 

"Just shut up Granger, who cares about Danny when we've got some new guy? Nice ass and a Speedo to boot." 

Hermione nudged her sunshades down her nose and inspected the new lifeguard sitting in chair 3. _Damn he was fiiiinne!_

"Nice spotting Susie! I love it when they leave so little to the imagination. Who is he? What's his name? And more importantly, does he have a girlfriend?" Hermione demanded. She wanted info - NOW. Black hair, slim with a perfectly tanned, perfectly toned swimmer's body. As she watched, the New Guy stretched languidly - _ohhh yeah_ - and settled back into his chair. 

"I don't know!! You're closer, go find out!" 

Hermione grumbled to herself. _Why am I always the info-getter? It's my turn to be the Meet-My-Friend-Who-Is-Definitely-Single!_ "I am so not closer. You're just embarrassed because you're wearing those silly tankinis to cover up that god-awful bruise on your stomach. I'd never seen such a graceless swan dive in my entire life. It looked more like a belly flop to me. What the hell were you thinking?!" 

"Oh shut up Hermione. Just because you look good in a bikini doesn't mean everyone has to wear one. I happen to like-" 

"Help help help!! I'm drowning! Help!" 

Granger-alerts coming online. Klaxons sounding! Hermione heard the panicked shouts of a Child Drowning. Perched on her gleaming white lifeguard's chair (she had always loved those when she was a kid), she scanned the surf. Far out past where the waves were breaking, she could see a platinum-blond blob bobbing up and down. _Hmm looks familiar, oh no matter, Granger to the rescue!_

Hermione jumped off her chair, ran to the water and dove in. Turning her head, she saw Mr. Dark-and-Sexy trailing along behind her... 

Finally, she reached the Ratty Blond Kid (who by the way, didn't seem to be in any danger) grabbed him, and spun him around. "What do you think you are - DRACO MALFOY!!!!" 

Just her luck, out of all people to meet at the beach. Ugh. 

"Haha gotcha!" Draco whined and then shrieked as she pushed him under. _Lifeguard Ethics be damned._ A hand touched her on the shoulder. "Ms. Granger, somehow I doubt the Malfoys would appreciate the deliberate drowning of their precious son. Maybe you should let him go?" 

She whirled around and faced directly into two very dark, flashing eyes. He quirked one perfectly formed eyebrow at her, "Let him go?" 

She nodded breathlessly and allowed Malfoy to come up sputtering. He could screw himself. She had... other fish to fry. She grabbed her neon pink inflatable inner tube and brandished it. He gave her a look. "What?!? Malfoy said he was drowning; I'm rescuing him." Hermione slammed the tube over Draco's head and began to side-stroke away. Heh. Looks like a frigging neon pink daisy with that tube framing his nearly-white head of hair very neatly. 

He glided alongside of her and she glared at him. "Who are you anyway? And how do you know me? How do you know Draco?" 

He smirked - sexy sexy smirk - "Oh I've... seen you both around... But...hey how about a drink?" 

Hermione nodded mutely. She could hear Susie's voice, "_You lucky bitch._" And Hermione Granger didn't care. "One sec, ok? I'm on break in a few minutes, how bout I meet you there?" 

He nodded in assent and strode off. _Gotta love that walk. He walks with confidence knowing that he's got it. And boy, does he have it._

She strolled over to Susie's chair. (Number 2), "Hey Susie, I'm going on break for a little bit, cover for me will you?" 

"Yeah ok, meeting Mr. Sexy over at the bar? Lucky bitch." 

She gave a mock glare. "Thanks for the support, Susie. Can I borrow your sunscreen?" 

Susie waved her hands dismissively at the foot of her chair. "Yeah, sure just grab it. Cop a few feels for me while you're at it ok? I'd do a lot to get my hands on that butt." Melodramatic sigh. "Alas, but it is not to be. Have fun dearie. Don't worry, I'll just have to spend the night here all by my lonesome. *sniff* But I want you here bright and early with all the details." 

Hermione grabbed the bottle and sauntered over to the bar. She could see him there, leaning back against a table, showing off those magnificent muscles. Well she could do some showing off too. She swayed back and forth as she slowly walked towards him, uncapping the sunscreen as she moved. 

She sat down next to him. "Hey," she said. "I just gotta put some more sunscreen on. Hold this bottle for me will you?" 

He gave a tiny smile. "Flirt." 

"Me?!?" she exclaimed with extremely wide, doe-eyed innocence. 

He snickered, "Yes you. Might as well have a hula skirt on, the way you walk. Looks like your hips are in a blender! Not that I'd mind, personally..." 

Hermione blinked and did a doubletake. "Excuse me?" 

"You're excused... though I generally do prefer my women shaken not stirred... After all, it's not wise to stir any potion composed of dibenzoylmethanes, testosterone, alcohol, and a liberal sprinkling of extremely potent pheromones." 

Hermione Granger fainted. 

--------------------------------------------- Author's Notes ------------------------------------------------

  
  
I'm sure I've copied ideas from every single SS/HG story I've read, so my apologies to any author whose stories I mangled. And of course, JKR owns both characters and Harry Potter and just about everything here.   
  
Dibenzoylmethanes are one class of compounds used in sunscreen. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. A Dollop of Sunscreen

_Ouch my head. Oof. What am I doing here on the ground? Oh my god, I think I fainted! I never faint! What the hell is going on??_

Hermione cautiously opened one eye and shut it again. _Ok, Granger, get it together. You're dreaming. Stop dreaming now._ Giving herself a firm mental shake, she opened both eyes and gasped. Her field of vision completely obscured by a face and two dark mesmerizing eyes, Hermione knew something was not quite right. Yes, definitely, not right. 

"This isn't right," she announced with certainty. 

"Isn't it?" the face in front of her asked. She watched in fascination as one perfectly smooth lip inched its way upward into a smile. A really toe-curling smile. That apparently belonged to Professor Severus Snape. As she said, something was definitely Not Right. 

"You. You look Professor Snape." 

The man who looked like Professor Snape raised an eyebrow again - one heck of a sexy sexy habit - and replied, "Well I certainly would hope so! Why wouldn't I?" 

"No! No no no no no! This isn't right. You see," she explained hurriedly, "You look like Professor Snape. But you can't be him. Because first of all, you are tan. He is not. Second, he is cynical. You are - ok fine you are but that doesn't count. Third, you smile. _Sexily._ He does not. So therefore, you cannot be Professor Snape. But you look like him. Which leads me to conclude that you are someone else under Polyjuice Potion. Although I can't imagine who in the world would ever want to be you, so why would someone go through all the effort of making a Polyjuice to look like you if they didn't want to be you? So then... I'm confused." 

Not-Really-Professor-Snape-but-still-Dark-and-Sexy looked amused. "This has got to be a first. Hermione Granger speechless, at a loss, and confused. What has this world come to?" _Well I knew I'd have to pay up someday, though I didn't expect it to come so soon. Minerva is going to mock me for this for years! Stupid Granger. Damnit, why can't she come up with some smart remark and save me a few good galleons?_

"Wow," Hermione said, "You ARE Professor Snape, aren't you?" 

"The one and only," the Man-Who-Really-Was-Professor-Snape answered with a smirk. 

_Another smirk! Damn sexy potions masters have no right to have a sexy smirk._

Hermione thought for a moment. "Oh," she said. "Well at least you admitted it." _Who cares anyway? Professor or not, it's summer, you're eighteen, you're having the time of your life, and you're at the beach!!! Make him put those hands to use!_

Hermione and Professor Snape sat quietly next to each other in companionable contemplation. Suddenly, she made a grab for the sunscreen. 

"Burning up, Ms. Granger?" 

Hermione gave him a glare. _Screw you too. Double entendres grrrr..._ She wriggled closer to him. "Something like that, but I'd guess you can fix that easily." 

Snape looked slightly taken aback. _Bravo Hermione. Not bad for a beginner._ He flipped open the top with a flick of his wrist and squirted out a small dollop of the stuff. He opened his hands wide. _Stop it Severus. Immediately. Dirty thoughts end now. At least for the next two sentences._ "Turn around please." 

So she did. Into his lap. Snape sighed. _Horny teenagers; no idea what they're getting into._ "Hey!" Hermione yelled, "I do too know what I'm doing! So there!" She stuck her tongue out at him and he watched in fascination. 

"What're you looking at?" 

He shook himself. _Down boy down. Heh heh._ Must distract her. Oh right, sunscreen. He smoothed the lotion over her arms and she murmured in appreciation. He drew his fingers down her back and she arched lightly into his touch. _Not bad at all. Just like playing the piano._

He traced his way across the nape of her neck and she squirmed deliciously. 

"Well well, Professor," Hermione grinned, "Forgotten to take off your inflatable-" 

He growled. "I think, Ms. Granger, that perhaps, we should ah... continue this elsewhere?" 

"Oh jolly good idea, Professor Snape. I was about to suggest the same thing. Where to?" 

He rolled his eyes and she giggled. 

"Well, there is a small stretch of beach that's off limits to everyone..." 

"Fat lot that's going to do us," he snorted. 

"Hey hey, don't knock the messenger," Hermione grumbled. _Hah more innuendos!_ "And you didn't even let me finish! It's off limits to everyone but lifeguards. Hypothetically, we're supposed to be capable of taking care of ourselves. Hey!" 

Hermione Granger found herself lifted out of her most-comfortable spot in Severus Snape's lap. 

Going...going...gone.... 

There was never a faster disapparation in the history of the wizarding world. 

The End

--------------------------------------------- Author's Notes ------------------------------------------------

  
  
I'm sure I've copied ideas from every single SS/HG story I've read, so my apologies to any author whose stories I mangled. And of course, JKR owns both characters and Harry Potter and just about everything here.   
  
Dibenzoylmethanes are one class of compounds used in sunscreen. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
